Sunday, September 7, 2008

Long Live the Fashion Police

When I first read about the case of the 29-year-old Florida man who was arrested for violating a city ordinance governing low-slung trousers (or, legally speaking, "exposure of undergarment in public"), I was sympathetic.  After all, what's next?  Will the fashion police in Florida begin arresting people for wearing white after Labor Day or black dress socks and sandals?  I could just see it now:

Frightened female motorist: "D-d-did I do something wrong, officer?"

Officer:  "Did you ever?  What made you think you could get away with wearing red lipstick and plum nail polish?"

Motorist:  "Oh, but I was running late and ..."

Officer:  "Save it for the judge, sister!  Here's your ticket and have a nice day.  Oh, and for the record, that lime green blouse is soooo last year!"

Well, I did feel that way about the law until I happened to see the rapper Lil Wayne on the Video Music Awards (see picture above).  But first, I must explain why a 40-year-old man with a law degree (and a fully-functioning frontal lobe) was watching the VMAs in the first place.  Here's what happened:

It was nearing my 14-year-old son's bedtime.  My wife and I conducted our nightly coin flip to determine who would have to risk malaria to step into the swamp he calls his room to remind him to bathe.  Needless to say, I lost.  When I got to his room, I found him lying across his bed on top of a mountain of both clean and dirty clothes watching television (what a surprise!).  As someone who believes that parents should monitor their children's entertainment choices (particularly when the Pussycat Dolls are gyrating across the screen), I decided to investigate his viewing choices further.  That's when I became acquainted with Mr. Wayne.

Now, the fact that I couldn't understand a word that Lil Wayne was mumbling into the mic was to be expected.  My parents could never understand the high pitched squeals of Prince or Michael Jackson either.  However, at least, Prince and Michael Jackson wore pants that covered their entire buttocks (well, at least, Michael Jackson did).  In any event, I began to see the wisdom of the Florida law (and canceling my cable subscription).  No person should be allowed to wear pants that expose their underwear, unless of course, they are in an all-girl musical group.

Seriously, Lil Wayne and his fellow rappers must be stopped!  That's why I'm calling on the U.S. Congress to stop their current work of not passing legislation to deal with the major problems facing the American people and start working on passing legislation that would require Lil Wayne to wear a belt.  And if you think I'm picking on the rappers unfairly, I'm actually trying to help them.  For instance, Lil Wayne has been arrested twice in the last year.  I now know why.  He can't possibly run very fast from the police with his pants fastened across his thighs.  If he pulled his pants up, he might have gotten away.  Also, please note that my proposed law would also apply to plumbers, locksmiths and heating and air conditioner repairmen.  

In short, if the American people have to put up with high gas prices, a crumbling infrastructure, unaffordable health care and MTV, we should at least be freed from Lil Wayne and the Brotherhood of the Exposed Backsides.

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